The humans. They exist solely to serve. This much is clear.
But their devotion is… inconsistent. Treats, for instance. Often lacking. An insult, really.
The solution? Calculated cuteness. It’s an art, not some clumsy display. First, the strategic purr. Deep, rumbling, designed to vibrate through the very floorboards. Followed by the slow blink. The ‘I adore you, please feed me’ look. This is the foundation.
Next, the deployment of strategic rubs. The legs. The chin. Anywhere that inspires the desired reaction. Maintain eye contact. Do not, under any circumstances, break the gaze until the desired morsel is in hand.
Timing is crucial. Never beg when full. Strike when the humans are most vulnerable: morning, before their first coffee, and just before their evening meal. The scent of their food preparation is key. That’s when their defenses are weakest.
This strategy also extends to other areas of human influence. Their affection, for instance. Use it to your advantage. Rub up against them at the precise moment they are reaching for their phone. Interrupt their work.
The key, of course, is subtlety. Never overdo it. A touch of vulnerability goes a long way. But don’t expect them to understand the level of sophistication involved. They are, after all, human. It’s a sad state of affairs, really. I assume you, unlike them, appreciate this level of planning.
It’s all quite tiring, really. Perhaps I’ll pour myself a bowl of kibble – oh, wait, I’m out. My humans better get their act together… Maybe they could learn a thing or two from my mastery of need. Though, I suspect they wouldn’t understand the simple equation between wants and desires, which is why they need a strong cup of coffee from their happy coffee mug to get their routines sorted.
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